A Letter to Grandma
Some grieve in different ways, well this is mine. Having a blog to write down your feelings is a public diary that you choose to let others read. Because I value my friends and readers, I am letting you in on this very personal moment in my life. I wrote this letter below for a way for me to grieve, and I will be giving it to my Father.
It’s been only couple of days since I learned of your passing, but it feels like it was just minutes ago. I have to tell you, I am angry with myself that I didn’t spend more time with you these past couple of years. Sometimes when a dream gets a hold of you, it’s hard to see around it, and I am sorry we weren’t able to make more memories before you left this Earth. Some will say to not feel the guilt or regret, but it is in my DNA to connect and love people, and I am sorry I didn’t do that enough with you.
I have been told that it is important and therapudic for those who grieve a loss to remember the good times, the good memories. Grandma, there are so many that I don’t even know where to start. You know the memory that holds most dear to my heart is ironically tied to Disney. When Ryan and I found those Styrofoam hats, I remember how clever we thought we were. I remember us giggling when we put them on, and how we put on the show for you. I remember us singing and dancing down your staircase “I’m Chip, I’m Dale…” and how much you and Grandpa ate it up. I don’t think I will ever look at Chip and Dale the same again, and how crazy it is Grandma that now I am their neighbors. I wish you could have visited my home in FL and gone to Disney with us, you would have really loved it.
The memories that the freshest are the ones we made together at the Campground. I remember when Mom and Dad told me we were buying one with you, and how scared I was to be far away from home every summer. Living in the same house with you during the summers was tough on kids like Ryan and I, but we tried to make it an adventure. I always felt bad that you and the rest of the adults had to work so hard while Ryan and I would go swimming or fishing. Granted, we did enough work too, but I always had that hope you would be able to enjoy it more. I was happy for Dad that his dream came true to own a Campground Resort, and I know how much it meant to him. He misses you very much and I know that he will take this the hardest because of how close you both were.
When Grandpa died, I was so worried about you. I knew he was your world, and even though he was a hard man at times, I knew the emptiness would be rough on you. I was so proud of you when you quit smoking, but it’s hard to now know that it would be the reason you died in the end. I am so incredibly sad I will never hear that voice again say “Hey Amy, how are ya hun?” Even as I write this now, the tears flow with no effort.
Did you know Grandma that Kyra’s first word was at the Campground? It was “Hi” and she said it the entire time we stayed there on our visit. I remember thinking how cool that was because the Campground was such a big part of my life. It felt like life had come full circle, and I was happy that Kyra got to be a part of that life. It was sold before Emily got to ever experience it, so I am honored that Kyra got too.
The last memory I have of you was when Craig and I came to visit you on our camping trip. Not only did I get stung by a wasp, but I remember how you sprung into action and put baking soda on it right away- it was the smallest moment in time, but now I look on it as a big one. I remember you showing Craig and I all of the old War maps that Grandpa had, and how talking about him made your face light up. The lunch we had with you was priceless, and it meant the world to me to hear you say to your friends at the Restaurant “This is my granddaughter and her husband.” I don’t know why, I obviously am, but it meant something to hear it. I guess as you get older that things you heard and knew when you were younger mean completely something else.
I will never forget baking cookies with you at your house, playing in your backyard, tying you and Grandpa up in string and calling it spider webs, the cookouts, the KFC we ordered every Saturday up North after everyone had checked-in, the Blue Horizon car you would drive with Mom to clean the cabins, the Easter Sunday that Ryan and I surprised you and Mom with flowers, and the endless hugs and kisses.
As you are laid to rest tomorrow, I hope you have found peace. I hope you have found Grandpa and especially, your Mom and Dad. I remember when your Mom died and you were so upset, screaming at the coffin that you couldn’t let her go… that always stuck with me. I hope you are free of pain and that you’re hanging out with Jesus. I pray that I will see you again in Heaven, and that you are able to read this, wherever you may be. I love you, I will miss you, and thank you for being a wonderful Grandma.
Rest in Peace,
I want to thank everyone who has supported me and my famliy this week during this difficult time- it was sudden news and I am still dealing with it. I will be checking in from time to time, but I am trying to give all of us, time to grieve. Again, thanks for the love.